How Ruthless Compassion upends people pleasing
One of my favorite terms is “Ruthless Compassion.” At first, it seems contradictory, but when I hear it, I immediately know what it means.
Not all forms of compassion are truly compassionate. Sometimes, what we call compassion is actually passive-aggressiveness or just plain people-pleasing.
I used to be a people-pleaser, and I thought it made me a stellar team player. I was responsible and thorough, always considering every angle and striving to overdeliver—all while keeping everyone happy. I was the ultimate chameleon, blending in to maintain harmony.
But people-pleasers often pay a steep price. Burnout, resentment, and exhaustion creep in as we suppress our authentic selves under the weight of others’ expectations.
After a lot of personal growth and therapy, I’ve moved past that phase. That’s where the idea of “ruthless compassion” really resonated with me. I was already familiar with Brené Brown’s concept of “Clear is kind.” Ruthless compassion feels like the next step—it’s the idea of “clear is kind” applied from both sides. It’s about being honest, authentic, and kind without sacrificing integrity. It’s choosing to be kind over simply being nice. And it’s about letting people take responsibility for their work—emotionally and professionally—while holding them accountable for it.
The Business of Architecture podcast explained it perfectly: “Ruthless compassion comes from the understanding that there’s a freedom in carrying the burden of leadership. Being deeply compassionate means having tough conversations and saying no to people-pleasing. It means not being ruled by your own personal preferences.”
Following this principle has made it so much easier to bring my full (sometimes challenging!) self to work without fear of rejection—or worse, compromising the quality of my work.
Spoiler alert: It works. And honestly, I doubt anyone on my team even noticed the change. But for me, it’s been transformative, profoundly improving my work experience.
I’ve learned to value my voice over seeking others’ approval. This shift has made my work feel more meaningful and aligned with my personal values. I’ve always spoken up in meetings (I can’t help it—my face gives me away every time), but now I do it without second-guessing myself. I know I’ve earned my place here, and my voice matters.
This shift means I don’t avoid conflict as much.
It means I’m more okay with being disliked (you like me, though, right?).
It means I feel safe taking a pause to think, instead of rushing to solve every problem first and best.
The journey to becoming my most authentic self has been the most fulfilling one I’ve ever taken. I’m deeply grateful for the insights it’s brought me and for the renewed sense of purpose and joy I’ve found in both work and life.